I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
