You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
