All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
