just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
