If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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