Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I want a musical about memes.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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