My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
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