Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
