who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
