I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
