i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
