I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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