Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
How does one acquire holy water?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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