i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
