we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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