2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
