I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
