yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.