What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.