I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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