I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
