He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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