Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
My ATM looks so different sober.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
