Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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