two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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