I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
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He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
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Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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