Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
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I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
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I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.