she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure