I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
