Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina