watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
