Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
