It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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