i wish my penis had a tongue
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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