if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
