i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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