This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
