I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
