why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
