Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
