So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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