I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I can text with my tongue
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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