Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
