New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
