Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
