I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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