maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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