You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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