Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
we made out on top of his cat.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
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