sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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