Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
