you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
