So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
