I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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