Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
