if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
do herpes really smell.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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