i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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