Swine flu. Run for my life!
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
