And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
