just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
