apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
