I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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