That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
