One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
