Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We just shotgunned beers for America
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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