So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
